You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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