there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize