btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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