What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
