I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
