Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
