Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
