well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
