we have pet lesbian snakes
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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