i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
