direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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