When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
