Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
