3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
