I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
