The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
