We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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