I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
