Don't make out with my wife yet
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You ruined the universe
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
