i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Randomize
