you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
