It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
