My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
ttyl tear gas
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
