I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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