the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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