The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
