Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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