im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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