I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
