Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
