If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
