it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
