Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
