i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
