if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
