hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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