we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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