Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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