If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
