as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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