I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
