I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wish i was in the wii world.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
