Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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