mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
