I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
