cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
