i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
