im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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