he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
