No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
