Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Come on in and take your pants off
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