hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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