I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
