Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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