hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So much rum. So many feels.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
