im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
