I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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