; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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